It is a day off. I WANT to go get a pedicure, go to my eye exam and get new contacts and glasses, go running, go get coffee, smoke, talk to friends in Portland and watch more premieres on TV tonight.

What I will ACTUALLY do still remains to be seen. As soon as I get done with this, I will go get coffee and talk on the phone (I hope...are my friends up yet?) Smoking...hmmmmmmmmm...I have been sick this last week with a really bad cold and now I am at the stage where it is all in my chest and I can't breathe very well. Not sure smoking would be good for me. Plus, I really REALLY want to quit. For real this time.

I was watching the Rachel Ray show this morning and they had this 25 year old woman on. She was talking about being exhausted all the time, not sleeping well, etc and so doctors gave her this quiz to find out how quickly she was aging. Turns out she was aging 3x's as fast as other 25 year olds. Her age chemically was 38! Her lifestyle didn't seem that bad to me, but the doctors said all of her aging issues were due to the way she lived. She is slightly overweight, drinks frequently with her friends, smokes, takes sleeping pills because she can't get good sleep, is going to school AND working so she has lots of stress...and no boyfriend. I said the last part because it is healthy to have sex or to be in love. The doctors said it had to do with the immune system.

Interestingly enough, they said the most unhealthy part of her lifestyle was her sleep schedule...interesting, huh? They told her to set a bedtime and to stick to it and to make your room dark. Then, of course, the smoking. The doctors said everything could be corrected so all hope was not lost...the weirdest, most impactful thing to me was that they had a makeup artist make her up to look like what she would like in 20 years if her lifestyle didn't change and it was SCARY.

I don't know. I have seen all the lung cancer commercials and they are sad and I don't like to look at them for obvious reasons...for some reason this show hit me pretty hard and I am pretty positive I CAN quit. And finally, I am very sure I am READY and WANT to quit.

Now is the best time to quit...away from my friends who ALL smoke (except Emi) Makes sense I NEED to do it now so when I move home the idea of smoking will not be appealing anymore because I will have been away from it for so long. Also, I am 30 and I have always wanted to quit at 30 AT THE LATEST. I must quit. I must. My health is seriously on the line here.

That was quite a rabbit trail, huh? I thought I was going to talk about my day off, but it didn't turn out like that...oh well. Guess what we blog about is what is at the forefront of our minds and it is good and healthy to get that stuff out.

Current Mood: hopeful

I love to watch TV. I hate to admit that, but I do. I feel lazy when I watch it, so I don't USUALLY watch very much of it at all, but I definitely COULD watch it all day...if I let myself.

I have a definite routine goin' on here in SoCal.

I usually go to work in the morning, come home in the PM and grab Margot to go run and play with her friends at the golf course, hang out with the old ladies at the golf course, come home and either watch TV till I fall asleep or, if it is early enough, drop Margot off at home and go to Starbucks to read/smoke/talk on the phone.

If it is a day off, Margot and I do the 3mile run in the morning and I come home and watch soap operas for a few hours. And then the same evening routine.

It is an okay routine, but I feel so lazy most of the time...but this doesn't really make sense because I was actually lazier in Portland (I think) I know for sure Margot and I didn't get NEARLY as much exercise there as we do here, but I was going out with friends and just BUSIER in Portland, so maybe that is why it felt like it wasn't lazy...? I don't know.

I just feel like there should be MORE so much of the time.

Current Mood: contemplative

Margot woke me bright and early this morning once again. Since we moved to California, she wakes up at 7am like clockwork and there is no going back to sleep.

Day off? She doesn't care. You'll be getting up at 7am.
No sleep? Sorry. You'll be getting up at 7am.
Sick? Oh well. You'll be getting up at 7am.

I will never be able to sleep in again...the sacrifices I made for this girl...

Dammit.

Welcome to the Land of Dog-Rearing Ems! Have fun! Call me when you cry :)

Hey, Laura! Sure you want a dog?

Current Mood: tired

The little biscuit actually runs quite well with the money I put into it! I am afraid to go faster than 65mph though...but that's okay. My driving record could really really stand some improvement, and what a sure-fire way of making sure I don't speed huh?

This just in...possibility of me having a car the 2nd week of November! It's rather a long story but the gist of it is that my friend Krissy has a 99 Jeep Grand Cherokee that she is selling, which is SO FUNNY because the car of my neighbors I was borrowing for a few days is a Jeep Grand Cherokee and I LOVED IT!!!!! It is not a sealed deal yet, but the potential situation is that my family would drive it down when they come to visit the 2nd week of November...I still have to talk to Krissy about the specifics but it's in the works!!!

I am feeling better and better every day...I got to go to church yesterday and it was GREAT. I felt re-charged, invigorated, and encouraged...and it's not every day I get to feel like that. And so I plug along.

I feel like I have gone back in time 12 years to when I had just gotten my drivers liscense and my parents bought me and my sister a $600 car to share. I remember it well...it was a brown car with a thick black racing stripe down the length of it with the lettering SR-5 going across it. It also had a little pop up sun roof and ran without a key in the ignition. My friends and I used to take it up to the grocery store and the guys would drive it around the parking lot with no key and think it was the greatest thing in the world.

Now, I am 30 and I have a little brown 1982 Rabbit. It was so weird getting into that car! It smells like the SR-5, shakes like the SR-5, has no 5th gear like the SR-5, has no radio like the SR-5. I think the only differences are that this car doesn't have a pop-up sun roof and it won't run without the key in the ignition. YAY ME.

I felt bad after having a bad attitude about the little car because I have a lot to be grateful for, actually. I don't have to stress about how I am going to get to work every day for one thing! So, I am trying to keep my chin up and just focus on saving so I can drive something else. I really didn't think it would bother me driving this car but for some reason, it does.

It does alot.

It's a dim light at the end of the tunnel...but it's still a light.

I have decided that rather than going into a LOT of debt by leasing/buying a new car WITH A CO-SIGNER that I am going to save my money to come up with a HEFTY down payment when I am ready to purchase and then I can have the car just be underneath my name. This will be good for me in multiple ways...the most important, I think, is that it will get me back in the habit of SAVING. Also, I really think at the age of 30 it is important to make sure I buy it on my own (no co-signer) Wow.

Until I am ready to buy, the neighbors have told me that I can drive their extra "car." It is like a super old old OLD brown car that they call "the buscuit." So, I am going to pay to get it checked out and make sure it's safe for me to drive to work and we are in business with my new plan.

I am going to the CA DMV today to pick up a study book for the written section of the drivers test (YA, can you believe it?!?!? Apparently to get a CA drivers liscense you have to RETAKE the written section before they will issue you one...WTF?!?!?) Then HOPEFULLY I will be taking the test Saturday and get my CA drivers liscense. Next step after that is getting a better insurance rate. So I am going to car insurance shop. I HAVE to be able to get it cheaper than what it is now ($300/mo. is CRAZY)

I feel better about the fact that I have a skeleton of a plan going. This process is really hard, but I made a hard mistake so what can I expect? I really really hope time FLIES and before I know it I will be in a car I bought myself and have the opportunity to re-build my credit.

I feel very similarly to how I felt about 4 months ago when I was unemployed for a month...depressed, anxious, IMPATIENT.

It has been a constant struggle since I lost my car. Very hard. Very stressful. Lots of tears. But I have learned alot, as one does every time one goes thru something hard.

Right now, I am sooooo frustrated and impatient. Yesterday I called a car dealership, was very up front and honest about my situation, and told them I just wanted to know before I went down there if it was possible for me to be financed given the situation. He said he would get back to me YESTERDAY and that HE WOULD NOT STRING ME ALONG. Guess what? No word. So if I have not heard from him by my break time today I will call him, I guess. Why can't people just do what they promise?

At this point, I just want to know what I have to do so I can make a plan. Without a plan I am lost and upset. I would love to know either YES or NO on financing a car from a dealership so I can at least move down the options. My insurance runs out this coming Sunday, so I will have to for sure start renting a car and getting insurance on it by then if I don't get a car thru a dealer. And that is lots of money. Really a lot. Alot alot. $900/month alot. HOW WILL I EVER SAVE TO BUY A CAR OUTRIGHT IF I AM PAYING $900/month JUST FOR CAR AND INSURANCE?!?!?!?!?!?

Getting depressed. Have to stop talking about it.

Current Mood: distressed

So much has happened since I last wrote. I am torn between wanting to blog about it and not at the same time...

I am in Portland right now and I constantly feel a huge weight in my gut and a lump in my throat...this is my vacation and the celebration of my 30th birthday and it hasn't even been fun because of what happened earlier this week. I am always thinking about it. Always.

My car got re-possessed early early early Tuesday morning. Never thought I would say those words. I knew it was going to happen. I gave them my address. I told them a time that it would be ready. I found out at work on my break. FANTASTIC.

I had not made my car payment for 2 months and just didn't think it was a big deal. I had never been late on my car payment before...

They all of a sudden called last week and left voicemails about "making arrangements to pick up their collateral" and I freaked out. I called them right away and left a voicemail that I wanted to take care of it ASAP. Well, Monday while I was at work the supervisor called and left a msg. saying that he thought he could help me but I needed to call him by 5pm in order for him to do so. It was a trick. He did not want to help me. He went into this big speel about what would happen to me if I didn't voluntarily surrender my car THAT NIGHT...all the legal fees, etc. I was in shock. Then the reality hit and I started bawling and begging him to work with me. Begging him to allow me to pay the amount in full. Nothing worked. He said the same things over and over. I cried and cried and cried on the bench outside.

I felt so alone. My sister and brother in law were out of town and I didn't want to bother them on vacation. They still don't know. I don't have any friends. So I called my neighbor who is watching my baby Margot while I am away and just left the most embarrassing desperate message asking for help. Any help at all. I didn't know what I was going to do to get to work the next day and then to the airport the following day. Then to make matters worse I had to go inside and finish my shift until 11pm. It was/is the most awful thing I have experienced in a long time. At this moment there are tears. There are always tears. I feel the tears will never end.

I still have not told my parents. I have to tell them. They will find out anyway plus I think I would feel better if I told them. But I am scared. My sister will find the note I left at home when she gets back from vaca. I am scared about that too.

Scared and alone and devastated are only the surface emotions. There is so much more...but I am all blogged out. I can't write anymore. The reality is still too painful and awful. Happy Birthday to Me.

Current Mood: crushed

It's my Wednesday today...

I have been feeling so drained and tired very early in the morning lately. I think I need to start taking vitamins regularly...

I just need to get thru these next few days and then...MY WEEKEND! And what's better? My best friends from Portland are coming in to town!!!!

I have been feeling lonely and weird lately. At first I didn't really care if I kept in touch with very many people from home. Now, for some reason, it really affects me if I am thinking about certain people and I realize we haven't talked in a long time. Is it nostalgia? Or the fact that I just started my period??

Am I happy in Southern California or not?

I think it is HILARIOUS that Emi has full access to my account and she goes in there and updates my Journal stuff. I just saw the picture of me and Margot!!!! Ha ha ha ha!!!!

Oh, to know about computers...